In the Happy Now
by Trice
Summary: COMPLETE! Max tells Logan the truth about Alec. Some angst and lots of shippiness. M/L of course.
1. Default Chapter

Max tells Logan that she has never been with Alec. Some angst and lots of shippines ahead. M/L of course, do you need to ask ?  
  
After reading the finale review I couldn't write dark moody chapters on my other fic, so I just followed my muse and committed to paper this short piece of angst and subsequent fluff. Remember, I haven't actually seen the finale so lots of things could be off, missing or just plain wrong. His takes place the evening after the events in Freak Nation.  
  
They don't belong to me - that should be clear by now, but I love them all, so what can I do? I'll return them in the morning, unless Logan Cale, „protector of all that is good and true", advocates larceny and lets me keep the whole shebang or, who knows, even calls the store and has „them" charge everything to him.  
  
  
  
**************************************  
  
INTO THE HAPPY NOW  
  
I never had the time to think until now. Things went so fast today, all I could do was let myself be carried away by my feelings and instincts. Haven't done that much in my life. Actually, the only time I can think of was when I heard of Logan being in the hospital and I ran back to Seattle despite the danger, afraid of losing him. This is just how today went. I acted on impulse, obeyed my feelings and weird enough, I am happy. Yeah, even given the givens I am happy.  
  
Right, Max, everything is peachy in your world, you are a transgenic most people hate or are afraid of, there is a fucking virus preventing you to even touch the love of your life, doom seems to lie over your head since those runes announce some disastrous world shattering event only you can keep from happening. Oh, and don't forget, there is still that Alec-lie that hasn't been cleared up yet.  
  
Despite the small pang in my heart at that thought I find myself grinning madly. Maybe police sprayed us with some laughing gas or something. You're happy, girl, just enjoy it and don't question it, I imagine my boo saying.  
  
Right now I can't think about what will be. Things are too complicated, too much could go wrong. Planning is not something I can rely on in my life. Everytime I tried to stick to a plan as we learned in Manticore and as Zack always tried to teach me, the plan ended up going down the drains and I had to improvise. That's what I seem to do best. Beside kicking ass that is. Improvise when things get tough, surprise your adversary, get his buttocks blown to kingdom come. But right now I am not thinking of any of my uncountable and unimaginably dreadful adversaries. I *am* thinking about buttocks though.  
  
Shit, am I in heat ? No, my forehead is dry, everything seems to be ok. And I feel like improvising. So I'll stop by that street vendor over there. Pasta. Yummy. My stomach growls approving of my improvisation skills and my genetically engineered, armor plated, grafted heart skips a beat as it realizes where this piece of improvisation is going. Somehow, I don't know how, I ended up with two casseroles of pasta. Two. I grin again and my heart beats faster as I stash the hot food on my Ninja and miraculously find myself heading for Joshua's.  
  
Girl, are you sure you're not in heat ? No, I'm not. Today I decided I wouldn't run anymore. So Sam did rub off on me in the end. Was it just me or did I see pride on his face as I said I wouldn't run ? That felt good, even if I just imagined it. Well, I was proud of him today, too. The way he stuck with me, even given the situation with Alec. The way he barged in, regardless of the danger.  
  
I don't think I've ever had anyone being proud about me before. Well, Lydecker, maybe, but he was always proud of my military skills only. Where might that old gruff be right now ? Will have to add him to my search list next to Sandeman. I missed old Don, especially when having to face that White dope.  
  
I'm so deliriously hyper I can't help wondering if somehow I got drugs flowing through my system. Just what I would need right now. But no, might be hormones, might be an impending heat cycle, who knows. I don't care. I should be hurrying though, the pasta might get cold. So what, a small voice whispers in my head. It's not like we couldn't heat it again just using those smoldering looks he gave me earlier today as he was trying to decipher the runes. And I returned them, too. If he only felt half of what I felt in those moments... And I'm sure he did. The guy loves me no matter what. He can keep his distance, can try to hide it and say he wants me to be happy with my transgenic lover but he can't stop. What can a girl do under those circumstances? I'm done wanting him to hide it anyway. It hurts him too much and it also hurts me, having to watch it. I love him, too. No matter what.  
  
And since I decided to stop running and face everything I have to face, I'll start with him. My alpha and omega. I'll tell him what I should have told him a long time ago. I'll confess just like I did a year ago about Rafer. He might not want to forgive me again, after all I put him through. He might not want to see me ever again. He might be angry or get drunk or start smashing things. But I won't think about those possibilities. The one possibility I keep thinking of we can't really have, at least not as long as this virus bitch is still between us.  
  
I'll just take it a day at a time. *We* will just take it a day at a time. And somehow, no matter what his reaction will be, I can't shake off the hope that has been with me ever since he squeezed my hand through the glove. A tight squeeze, a warm squeeze. The glove could have been absent. It was like a jolt of electricity that went through me from head to toe, warming me up, awaking forgotten thoughts and repressed memories. He squeezed it and I squeezed back, maybe a little too hard, but his grip wasn't that weak either. We were holding onto the other like there was no tomorrow. That's when this weird feeling of happiness started.  
  
Maybe there won't be a tomorrow. Maybe all we have is this gloomy today, where we're exhausted and reeling from the latest events. That's why I'm going to tell him everything, consequences be damned. I don't want to feel like I did when I was dying in the woods at Manticore, trying to confess my love to him with my last breath. And I don't want him to remember me as the bitch who used him and then double-crossed him when things got tough. That might be selfish, I know. But if everything came to a sudden end I want him to be certain it wasn't his fault, I want him to know he was loved beyond imagination.  
  
I raced up to Joshua's street but now I'm slowing down. I don't want him to hear me yet. Hell, if I keep wanting to surprise him like this, one day he'll surprise me and he'll have a gorgeous blonde with him as I barge in. But no, after today I hope that won't be the case. After all, I'm a dangerous chick, never know what could happen if I got jealous...  
  
The pasta does seem a bit lukewarm, but anyway, he'll recognize it as what it is, just an excuse. I wonder for a second if I should knock or just pick my way in. I decide to try the door first. Yes, it's open. Damn, if I'm not here to look out for him he's just so careless about himself, as if he didn't care if he lived or died. Just like today, when he threw himself into the fight so bravely. Got to let him know he's not dispensable, not to me. I stealthily make my way in. He's in the kitchen, clattering with pots and pans, the noise of it louder than my steps.  
  
„Sir, did you subscribe to meals on wheels?"  
  
He whirls around and for a moment the surprise shows on his face. I want to believe I see the beginning of a smile, too. But he gets it under control and replies wearily, with a weird, dry humor.  
  
„No, I used to deliver them myself for a while. But you know, a man my age could easily get a heart attack."  
  
He looks at me intently, probably wondering what I'm doing here two hours after he had taken leave from the partying gang.  
  
„Thought you wanted to have fun with the gang?"  
  
And then, suddenly worried: „Max, what happened ?"  
  
I feel myself melting as I see his concerned frown. Shit, am I really not in heat? I certainly behave that way.  
  
„Thought I'd look out for my meal ticket for a change".  
  
This time I've managed to shock him. Damn, of all the things I could have said... Now he looks pissed. He turns away and starts clattering with the pot again.  
  
„Haven't been your meal ticket in a long while. And anyway, just because I'm  
  
living at Joshua's doesn't mean you have to come over and bring food. I can take care of myself."  
  
Should have known he'd react that way. He turns to me again, but looks past my shoulder, nervously.  
  
„Can I help you with something?"  
  
OK, I'll play it your way. A change of tactics is in order.  
  
„Sorry. I didn't know I had that „Logan, I need a favor" look on my face again."  
  
A grimace is the only answer I get. He doesn't catch the sarcasm? Damn, what happened to him? He did have a drink at Crash but had left almost right away. I take another look at the kitchen and realize that there is a half empty bottle on the counter. Shit ! Not again !  
  
He looks almost relieved that I actually want something from him and I haven't come over just to see him. Well, he's only half right and half a bottle is not that much. I decide to try again, wondering if he remembered that yesterday would have been our two year anniversary.  
  
„Somebody once told me that you have to seize every opportunity you get to celebrate." I wait to see if he catches on. But he doesn't make it that easy.  
  
„Didn't you just celebrate at Crash ?"  
  
„That's not what I meant. I brought some pasta and a bottle of wine, thought maybe we could have dinner."  
  
By the way he lets the pot fall on the stove, turning his back to me again, I know he had remembered.  
  
„You always seem to be late when it comes to celebrations." He turns to me again but is looking somewhere past my shoulder.  
  
„Anyway, Max, I'm not in the mood today. I'm sure Alec would be delighted to take you out to dinner. And you know, you don't need to bribe me, just tell me what you need and I'll try to help if I can."  
  
Now he looks at me, bitter, but also scrutinizing my every feature, almost with curiosity. His words hurt me, but I realize his pain runs much deeper and keep myself in check, remembering why I came over.  
  
Just then he adds:  
  
„It's not like I have the money or the equipment to do much, anyway."  
  
Now that he compares me to Valerie I could almost choke him. I let the casseroles fall on the counter with a loud bang and head towards the door. How dare he!  
  
Tears are welling up in my eyes and remembering those are just another virus carrier, I feel the pang of guilt and turn back to him. How did I manage to get him this angry? When had things deteriorated to the point that we would deliberately hurt each other so much with just words? As if there weren't other things to hurt us, drive us apart. Right, how and when? You know everything about the how and the when, girl. Last try.  
  
„I thought today had been a special day. But well, seems like I was wrong. However, I need your help, Logan." I manage to look him directly in the eyes. „There is something you can do for me, Logan, please."  
  
Does he look a little guilty, or am I just imagining it ?  
  
„I'm sorry, Max. Please forgive me, it was a hard day for both of us and I wasn't expecting you. What can I do?"  
  
I come back towards him and smile tentatively.  
  
„I need you to sit down and listen to me in earnest for a few minutes, Logan, without getting angry and without interrupting. Can you do that for me, please ? It's something I should have told you a long time ago."  
  
I don't know if it is my choice of words or if he really is sorry for what he said earlier, but he sits down on the couch and pats the empty space next to him.  
  
„Come sit with me. I promise to listen to everything you have to say without interrupting."  
  
Now I'm getting nervous. This is not how I planned it. But I should have known plans never work out, I'd just need to improvise and after all, I am good at that. I still have my jacket and my gloves on, and I throw the first onto the next chair as I go to sit with him. I catch him look at my gloved hands and I smile at his worried blue eyes.  
  
„You don't need to be worried, Logan, everything is just fine, I just have a confession to make."  
  
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I'll try to put the second and last part up later today or tomorrow. Please review, I'll work faster that way... 


	2. Last part

AN: Well, to be sincere, I noticed what "pleasefox" meant only later on. If you can live with the fact that the first parts play at Joshua's and not in Terminal City, you could stop reading the last few paragraphs and have it end with the line of stars. If not, I fixed it with the last lines, so Pleasefox can have some fun, too and imagine it could happen.  
  
;-))  
  
Which way do you like it better?  
  
*******************  
  
„You don't need to be worried, Logan, everything is just fine, I just have a confession to make."  
  
Damn, my words seem to come out the wrong way tonight. I can imagine what he is thinking now. A confession ? He probably remembers the last few, every one of them another blow to our relationship.  
  
„Am I the one you should be confessing to ?"  
  
Shit. I thought he had promised to just listen. I forget everything I had intended to say and just blurt my heart out.  
  
„Logan, there was never anything between me and Alec and I beg you to forgive me for ever letting on that there was something, for hurting you like I did."  
  
Good thing I don't need to catch my breath, this way he can't interrupt even if he wants to.  
  
„I am sorry I couldn't tell you the truth, I was just so scared after they took you to the hospital and Alec didn't arrive in time. I was desperate and couldn't take the thought of losing you. When you told me you saw Alec hug me, it was so convenient to let you believe we had something going, I never thought it would hurt you that much. I needed to make sure I wasn't a danger to you anymore. I wanted to tell you a million times after that but I kept remembering the way Annie died and you were the only thing that really mattered to me."  
  
Oops, gotta watch my words before I say too much. First the "bio-hazard girlfriend" and now this. I sneak a look at him and he seems relieved but not really as glad to hear it as I had imagined. Shit!  
  
„I'm terribly sorry, Logan, I wanted to spare you the hurt and hurt you even more. I'm sorry, can you ever forgive me ?"  
  
He doesn't answer at first, his face plastered with his usual Eyes Only mask. Intense eyes and not a muscle moving.  
  
The silence is killing me, but then he stands up and goes to the window. He looks out for a few seconds, then goes to the large desk and takes something from there. I can't see what he's doing and I get even more nervous, but I decide to trust him and let him order his thoughts before he speaks. Looking out the window again, he starts, his voice surprisingly monotone.  
  
„I have had many sleepless nights to think this over and most of the things I had to say I have already said. I always thought that being that my life was on the line I should have a say in the matter. You are right, I probably wouldn't have let you go if it weren't for Alec."  
  
I can't help being concerned by the way he speaks, nice and slow, never rising his voice, every word thought out. I almost wish for him to be angry again. Tears blur my vision. Bet Lydecker never thought his mighty X5 soldiers would ever shed tears.  
  
„I wouldn't have let you go, because you were the only thing that really mattered in my life. Sure, there was Eyes Only, but I would have given up everything for you, probably even that. I had a long while to think it over and I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted you to be happy, no matter what. I don't need to tell you that Eyes Only is as much a danger as the threat coming from White. But I had always thought together we could beat everything. I later realized Alec could probably do a better job protecting you than I did, but I resolved to keep an eye on you, too. I always wanted you to be happy and safe. I still do."  
  
He still isn't looking at me. I wish I wouldn't have this terrible fear gripping my stomach, fear that he might not want to take me back, but I guess he has to sort out his feelings himself before he comes to a conclusion. After all, he just found out Alec was not an issue.  
  
„It was hard to even imagine you could be with Alec, since I had been under the impression that you didn't like him much. But I just couldn't believe that after all we had been through, you would do it just to protect me. Today, when we were together, first as I read the runes and then at Jam Pony, it occurred to me that I had been wrong. You could never have been with Alec. Things were just not adding up. It occurred to me that you had lied. That's why I was in such a bad mood when you arrived."  
  
He turns toward me and this time I can almost see his anger seeping from his every pore. At first I couldn't take my eyes off his face, now I look away, I just can't look at him, knowing it was me who caused him as much hurt as that Valerie bitch, or even more.  
  
„How could you do that to me, Max, how could you let me believe such a thing? When I thought you were with Alec, I believed it had been my fault, that you saw something in him that I could never be. Suspecting that it was a lie, and now, knowing that it was one, I don't know how I can forget this. You know how I felt about you."  
  
He pauses and my stomach churns as I notice the past tense he is using. The floor holds a certain fascination for me.  
  
„And still you lied to me, making me go through hell, thinking I lost you forever. I never gave up hoping to find a cure for the virus, because there is one out there. But I could not find a cure to your not loving me anymore. Finding out you made me go through that hell deliberately makes me wonder about a lot of things".  
  
He falls silent and I'm thinking feverishly of how I could make his hurt and pain go away, how I can make him trust me again. I remember my resolve. Maybe I should just say it all and get it out and over with, then the ball is in his field. I hate exposing myself like that but I feel like I owe him and I really should have said it a long time ago. But he is quicker and he still has his back to me.  
  
„May I ask why you chose today to come forward with this?"  
  
„I'm sorry, Logan. I realized today that I couldn't protect you by staying out of your life. I remembered today that no matter what I did, you would still jump into the greatest danger, putting your life at risk, not just for me but for everybody else. That's just the way you are and that's one of the many reasons I love you so. Forgive me for ever wanting to change you, I was selfish, I wanted to keep you for myself."  
  
There, I said it. He looks quite surprised. Am I imagining the grin or is it really there ? My heart jumps and I get up and walk towards him.  
  
„I'm done running away, Logan, I meant it. I was afraid. Afraid of loving you, afraid of losing you. I realized those things are just part of us being together. I am still afraid. Afraid you'll hate me, afraid that we'll never find a cure, afraid of so many things." I try an uncertain smile. „And fear was never part of the curriculum at Manticore, ya know. I still don't know how to deal with that."  
  
When he smiles towards the window without drawing back as I approach him from behind, I feel the same delirious hope I felt earlier, remembering the hand squeeze. I so wish to touch his stubbled cheek, to feel him and I ever so slowly dare begin to raise my gloved fingers towards his jaw.  
  
„I won't run away this time, Logan, I promise. I am sorry. And even if you find you can't forgive me for the hurt I caused you, that you can't trust me anymore, I'll still love you. That's what I came to confess. I've loved you for a long time and I just found out I can't live without you. I am here if you still want me. And even if you don't", I add, as if in an afterthought.  
  
My gloved fingers finally touch his stubble and our eyes lock. His blue eyes have an intense glow to them, burning me to the core. I feel a tear slipping down on my face and try to draw back. He grabs my hand from his cheek and turns it around, kissing it, then he gently wipes away my tears. He smiles at my nervous look and attempt to draw back and I just now see he has surgical gloves on. Great recon, soldier, I think to myself. So that's what he did at the table a few minutes earlier. I almost get mad that he put me through all that anxiety and doubt in his speech, all the time knowing he would forgive me, touch me again, as meager as our possibilities might be. Almost mad. Just for the fraction of a second. Then, I can't keep myself from grinning madly.  
  
He draws me to himself and I reluctantly obey the pressure of his arm, carefully placing my head on his chest and my arms around him. We fall down on the couch and he rocks me for a while, then he whispers:  
  
„As long as we have each other we'll find a way. It might take a while, but we will find it, together."  
  
He brushes a strand of hair out of my face and he seems to notice that his gloves don't slide as well on hair, pulling it a bit. He chuckles and then looks at me with the first genuine smile I've seen on his face in a long time.  
  
„Still afraid?"  
  
„Terrified".  
  
„We're going to have to do something about it".  
  
I grin again, but he seems to have a sudden interest in the ceiling and I can't help being confused.  
  
„I seem to remember that you're not the patient type and I know you want to go fast" he says, strengthening his hold on me. „But I hope you can wait till in the morning, it's only a few hours away ?"  
  
This time I really am confused. My life is totally in shambles, I really don't know what will happen and how we'll deal with everything. I just know I won't let him go. If I could, I would just forever sit on his lap, all wrapped up in blankets and gloves and clothes and whatever, just to feel him next to me, to know he loves me. With the track record we have, I know it's only a matter of time until someone comes barging in through that door, Joshua or Alec or who knows what or who from my large family, calling us to the rescue once more. And we will try to help. But barring an earth shattering emergency situation, I *do plan on spending the morning with him, convincing him that I won't bail on him again, not ever.  
  
„What's in the morning?" I ask, groggily, almost lulled to sleep by his even breathing and the gentle thumping of his heart.  
  
He reaches for my hand and squeezes it, looking at me with what I can only describe as a sneaky, sly expression. I am glad there is no skin showing, neither on me nor on him and I can grab his other hand expectatively. He answers whispering into my ear, so close I could kill him, both for real and figuratively:  
  
„I found Sandeman tonight, he expects you first thing in the morning. I would have called you, but since you came over..."  
  
I suddenly jump up and my hand squeezes his so hard he grimaces. Serves him right, even if I might have broken a bone or two. It will heal. There goes my plan again. I look at his happy grin and feel like kissing him hard and passionately. I have to settle for another grin, too, though. Great thing my facial muscles are genetically engineered, or else I would probably get cramps from so much grinning.  
  
I stretch a bit on his lap, then smooth a blanket over us. I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of lying there with him. I know he expected another reaction from me and I relish seeing him confused for a change. I finally open my eyes, hoping that all the love I have for him will come across and I whisper playfully:  
  
„Nah, I think I'd rather spend the night and the morning with my meal ticket."  
  
Just earlier today I wouldn't even have imagined being able to say such a thing. But this time I'm almost certain I mean it. I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring, what fears, what monsters, what hidden secrets wait at the next corner. I am happy now and looking at him I know he feels the same way.  
  
  
  
********************************************************************  
  
  
  
"Max? Max ?"  
  
Logan is reaching for me with his gloved hand.  
  
"Max, we're kind of low on supplies, but I thought you could use something to eat right now, the last thing we need is to have you running around cranky and hungry."  
  
He looks at me with a sparkle in his eyes and shoves a casserole with pasta towards me.  
  
"Low on supplies?" Damn, tears well up in my eyes again. It was just a fucking dream. I had dozed off in a corner despite my damn shark genes.  
  
I see Original Cindy at the other end of the hall, she quietly nods her head and smiles knowingly. Cranky? They've never seen cranky yet!  
  
"Cindy", I bellow. She approaches and I brush past a stunned Logan and whisper in her ear:  
  
"Boo, see that fine specimen of the three legged gender over there? I need to come clear with him, can you make sure we have some time alone? Unless the fucking world goes under, I'm not available for the next half hour at least. Nobody, do you get that ?"  
  
She seems to understand and nods:  
  
"Just leave that to me."  
  
"Thanks, boo".  
  
Turning back to Logan, who has an uncertain frown on his face I quickly check that there is no skin showing, grab the casserole and put it away.  
  
"Thanks, Logan. But I need your help. Can we talk for a minute ?"  
  
He nods, still with a hazed look on his face as I grab his hand and pull him towards the remains of a couch.  
  
„You don't need to be worried, Logan, everything is just fine, I just have a c…. "  
  
I correct myself on the double.  
  
"I need to talk to you about something, I should have told you a very long time ago…"  
  
I don't know what tomorrow morning will bring, what fears, what monsters, what hidden secrets wait at the next corner. I know I could be happy now and looking at him I vow to make sure he feels the same way.  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
AN: for those wondering and wishing it would have ended at the line of stars – sure everything goes alright. She fesses up, he loves her and they face the dangers to come together. I'm a bit too busy with school to write a smut sequel but if you want one, pleasefox has a GREAT one for you. Go see it if you haven't already. 


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